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Thread: Jokes about anything

  1. #1
    Loving elvis
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    Jokes about anything

    Things can get so tense around here sometimes that we need to relax and have a laugh so lets start a thread with all funny jokes and things.



    Worries about mad cow disease

    There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

    The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

    The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."



    Law of Cat Inertia

    A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

    Law of Cat Motion

    A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

    Law of Cat Magnetism

    All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

    Law of Cat Thermodynamics

    Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

    Law of Cat Stretching

    A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

    Law of Cat Sleeping

    All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

    Law of Cat Elongation

    A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

    Law of Cat Obstruction

    A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

    Law of Cat Acceleration

    A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

    Law of Dinner Table Attendance

    Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

    Law of Rug Configuration

    No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

    Law of Obedience Resistance

    A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

    First Law of Energy Conservation

    Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

    Second Law of Energy Conservation

    Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

    Law of Refrigerator Observation

    If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

    Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

    Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

    Law of Random Comfort Seeking

    A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

    Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

    All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

    Law of Cat Embarrassment

    A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

    Law of Milk Consumption

    A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

    Law of Furniture Replacement

    A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

    Law of Cat Landing

    A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

    Law of Fluid Displacement

    A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

    Law of Cat Disinterest

    A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

    Law of Pill Rejection

    Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

    Law of Cat Composition

    A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

  2. #2
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    After getting all of the Popes' luggage loaded into the limo, (and he
    doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on
    the kerb.

    'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your
    seat so we can leave?'

    'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at
    the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

    'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
    something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
    work that morning.

    'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
    wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
    airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

    'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
    keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

    'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver. The Pope pulls
    over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one
    look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

    'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on
    the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and
    five.

    'So bust him,' says the Chief.

    'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

    The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

    'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

    The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'

    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    Chief: 'Governor?'

    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

    Cop: 'I think it's God!'

    Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

    Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!'





  3. #3
    International Level WHITETIGERMAN's Avatar
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    Good one Jess.



    A State Trooper was clocking people as they passed by.This car passed by weaving from one side to the other.The Trooper noticed that it was the Preacher.....so he followed in behind and stopped him.The Trooper walked up beside the car and said
    Preacher...I stopped you 'cause you were all over the road.Are you ok?
    The Preacher said yes sir I'm just fine...could not be better.The Trooper noticed that between The Preachers legs was a brown paper bag that was rolled down just a little.....and sticking out the top of that bag was a long neck bottle.
    So The Trooper said Preacher.........what's that in that there bottle you have between your legs? The Preacher said that's my drinking water..........I never go no where with out my drinking water.The Trooper said well do you mind if I have a little look-see at that bottle just to make sure things are ok?
    Preacher said sure don't mind at all...........I have nothing to hide.So The Trooper grabbed the bottle.......took a sniff..........stuck his finger around the rim of that bottle and got a little taste on the tip of his finger....tasted it and made a little noise and said
    Preacher...............that's not water.........it's wine.
    The Preacher looked at The Trooper and said......PRAISE GOD......HE'S DONE IT AGAIN.

  4. #4
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    Thanks James, lol, I'm still grinning at yours, lol.

    Another God one, it was sent to me just now, lol. (I have some really good jokes on other subjects, but I can't post those, lol).


    Divine Intervention
    A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.
    The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
    A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

  5. #5
    International Level WHITETIGERMAN's Avatar
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    Good one Jess....that first one of mine was a Jerry Clower joke......heres another one of Jerry's.




    There were these people waiting in line at the bus stop.In front of that line was a female..girl..woman.And she was wearing one of those mini-skirts....one of them that was little at the bottom....little at the top.....and BIG IN THE MIDDLE.
    Well everytime she go to step up on the bus.....that skirt would catch her leg.So she reached back there and lowered that zipper a little.She stepped up and it caught her leg again.Well this happened six times......about that time this truck-driver..a good ole boy...wouldn't harm anyone reached up around her....armed her up and carried her on that bus with one arm........took her to a seat and put her down and said lady......we all are gonna be late for work....we have jobs to keep.
    That ole gal hauled off and slapped that fellow and said get your hands off of me you fresh thing you.And that ole fellow said fresh.................lady who are you calling fresh.
    You just unzipped my britches six times!!!!!!!

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