you need 12 laughs a day to stay healthy
My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays.
-Joey Bishop
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
-Ronald Reagan
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
-Will Kommen
Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops.
-Cary Grant
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-Robert Orben
Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
-David Brenner
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
-Dave Barry
I'm not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr
To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.
-Rita Rudner
If you love something, set it free. Unless it's chocolate. Never release chocolate.
-Renee Duvall
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-Calvin Trillin
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-Rodney Dangerfield
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
-Rita Rudner
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
-Wendy Liebman
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-Douglas Adams
I have an aunt who married so late in life that Medicare picked up 80 percent of the honeymoon.
-Don Reber
I hate housework - you make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
-Joan Rivers
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
-Henny Youngman
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
-Bob Thaves
